This is exactly how I feel right now. I don’t mean right now in this moment; I mean right now in general. I mean this sums up the sense that I have constantly. I’m both scuppered and free. At any instant I may hit a brick wall or discover opportunity. In a way this is how things always are. Impossible, amazing. How do you reconcile the fact that you always want what you don’t have with the fact that you have something special? You don’t, because this is how we have always been, this is how we always will be. You just sit there and thing, everything is impossible, anything is possible. You think that until you don’t know what anything means anymore.
Then, I suppose, you go from there, wherever there is. Is that right? I don’t know.
What I do know is this: a few weeks ago, the Man showed me this article about luck. I don’t often react well to things that he shows me. Perhaps I’d like to think that I don’t need guidance; that I could do better; that he’s not-so-subtly trying to tell me something. In any case I want to see flaws in the articles he shows me, and I saw a thousand flaws in this one. I saw this one as a personal attack. If you’re naturally negative or naturally anxious (and who can deny that I am both?), I pretended the article was saying, you’re fucked. He tried to tell me that wasn’t it at all, but I was in a foul mood, and I’d convinced myself, and that was that. (That’s always that).
But then last night he said to me, you’re more positive lately than you have been. You’re happier. It’s nice.
Yes, it is nice, and yes, I am, and no, I don’t know what it’s related to, exactly, but I do know that on the “everything is impossible/anything is possible” scale, I’m leaning towards the anything is possible side. What this means, specifically, is vague, and hardly matters. What it means generally is what he said. More positive. Happier. Nice. Everything is so bloody hard. And at every moment there’s the possibility of something. I can just about deal with that. I can just about feel the tremble of possibility. Who can say what luck’s got to do with it?
*Thanks to a good friend for helping me work this one out tonight…